September 6, 2013

Where In The World

I haven't posted in quite a while... so the question is, "Where in the world is Ellen?" The answer is strange only in that it is oddly predictable... I'm home! I'm back in Northern California!

The last 2+ years of my life have been insane. Since September of 2012 I have moved ELEVEN times, NOT counting a few months here or there where I literally had no address and was living out of a suitcase hopping from place to place - crashing on couches for long periods of time, and even living in Miami hotels for 2 months straight. I had belongings in three different locations around the United States. I lived in Greece, Sacramento, Los Angeles, and Miami. I went to Paris. I partied in Vegas a handful of times and went to Coachella, Ultra, Mardi Gras, and Snowglobe. I drove cross-country twice. I went to acting school at Lesly Kahn in LA, and started working in Marketing and Social Media in Miami. I got some amazing modeling pictures... some amazing memories. I shot nude on the Trocadero at sunrise, I took up boxing, I drank Ouzo on Santorini, had a steamy night with a woman, dealt with riots in Athens, got kicked out of my Miami home at 2 AM, painted a staircase red and gold in the middle of the night, met my twin soul-sister, got (terrible) life advice from Tiesto, and found out that sometimes the heartaches we can't let go of are the ones we shouldn't. It was amazing. And awful. And I'm tired! Haha.

In fact I'm that odd tired where you just can't sleep. I'm completely exhausted, yet haunted a bit during my waking hours. So the waking hours just linger. I think too much. I feel too much. Which variates with feeling absolutely nothing in this quiet new life of mine, and I wonder where my life has gone. Or have I found it? I honestly don't know. I'm still aching from some of the hurts of my journey that I just can't get past. It's troubling because in all these eye-opening experiences I've learned that right and wrong are not always so cut and dry. Sometimes we are hurt, and sometimes without meaning to we hurt others. Sometimes you luck out, and sometimes you try your hardest and just can't catch a break... or terrible things just happen. Finding meaning in it all and simultaneously letting go is an ongoing process, one that I'm confronting here in my childhood home... the one place you can't escape who you are.

The times were not all bad, though. I was just reunited with the rest of my belongings, collected from across the U.S., and I'm finding little mementos I had forgotten about. Tickets and trinkets. Reminders of the good times. Amazing memories that I will be forever grateful for. I suppose I need to let the old saying sink in, that "when you let the good in, you have to let the bad in with it." Being open makes you painstakingly vulnerable. When I was a bit younger that vulnerability is where I found the beauty in life. I used to say that my favorite emotion was when I could laugh and cry at the same time. I just wanted to experience everything. I used to be so strong, so brave, and so very very naive. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing, but I guess I am now wise enough to recognize that I have plum wore myself out. I can see that I'm not as strong or brave as I used to be. I've beaten myself up with all this going, going, going.

So... it's time to pause. And I am.

I'm back in school in Sacramento. Exploring my hobbies I guess you could say. I don't really know what I'm doing... but I'm going to just let myself grow some roots for a little while and grow as a person. Gain some more skills and recover. Forget these sorrows, grow stronger, and let all that vulnerable beauty inspire me yet again...

1 comment :

  1. Your an amazing person Ellen! So intelligent to remember and acknowledge that you sometimes just need to stop and watch yourself grow again. Laughing and crying...That is a good one! xo