November 20, 2014

Go Ahead Rip My Heart Open! Great, Thanks!

Lately I've been a spewing fountain of emotions. I've been a mess. Really though, in the best way possible.

I've taken my comfort zone and stomped all over it in the last few months. I figured it was time to stop self-sabotaging and to finally take my dreams seriously. I was in yoga class and my teacher kept saying, "Move into the discomfort!" A bell went off in my head. Things were never going to change, never going to get better, unless I moved into the discomfort in my life. No more excuses!

So... I started auditing acting schools - something I had been putting off for quite some time out of fear. After visiting a few places I found Anthony Meindl. I was blown away by the talent in the master class, and loved the "new age" vibe. There were actual emotions being dealt with here, on a spiritual level. That's what I needed. I signed up as quickly as I could.

Fast forward to the start of intro. I was nervous (per the usual) - and scared I would suck, scared my classmates would hate me, scared I wouldn't fit in, scared I wouldn't make progress, etc. etc. etc. My insecurities were already coming out. Good! But Ack!

The approach at this studio is really organic, and basically to sum it up the best way I can - they believe that whatever you feel you are missing in your acting, is what you are missing in your personal life. Shit. There would be no skating through this class, learning "techniques." I was going to have to self-examine... A LOT. Shit shit shit.

And... then the emotional spewing started to happen. All this self-examination, throwing myself out there every week putting up scenes, being uncomfortable, being vulnerable... and then add to the mix that I had signed up for my first improv class as well... eeeeek! I got really needy with my boyfriend. I got really tired. I had all these unfamiliar feelings popping up out of nowhere for seemingly no reason at all! What. A. Mess. I guess I had been shutting these "feelings" things off for a while - who knows how long. Now that I was letting them bubble up they were overwhelming me. A backlog of emotions just burst forth. I talked to a few other acting students and they told me similar things were happening to them as well. We all felt like hot messes. I took a little comfort in that - knowing that what I was going through was normal. We all just had to commit to riding it out! This is what we asked for after all!

My classmates and I have since moved past intro, and to see the progress they have all made... it's amazing. I'm so inspired. I'm still terrified to put my scenes up! I have to laugh at myself about that... try not to judge myself for being scared. I'm facing my fears, and I know that with time those fears will start to lose their power over me. It has been a process up to this point, and I know that it will continue to be so. I'm just really proud of myself for taking that leap, for committing, for allowing myself to look at my life from a broader perspective. I feel like I'm starting to get back in touch with my higher self. There is a lot of healing going on, though I can't understand all of it just now.

I'm an open wound, really, and I'm just thankful I'm feeling anything at all. This is what I wanted. I wanted to be vulnerable again. It's a truly painful process, yet I'm starting to find myself in a place where I can accept that and even find the joy in it. Not everything in life is supposed to be pleasant. These feelings just mean that I'm lucky enough to be alive, and lucky enough to have the opportunity to still follow my dreams.

Xo
Ellen

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