May 10, 2017

A day in the life...

I posted this on my Facebook page a little while ago and it seems to have struck a chord with quite a few people. So reposting here...

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I go out on a ton of auditions. A TON. Often three or four a day. My days are spent hopping around town from one place to another. Changing in my car. Learning lines on the fly. Eating snack bars and things I can throw in my bag. I've gone on hundreds of auditions over the last year and a half. HUNDREDS.
One small problem. Let me just put it this way... the booking percentage is dismal. Often I get close. Often I get callbacks. And I get put on hold sometimes. But except for the occasional print job they pretty much all fall through.
While I love what I do... this process is exhausting. Sometimes all the "almost" bookings break me down. They get my hopes up, and even with my experience with rejection I can't help but get attached to projects. I get disappointed. I get tired. Quitting enters my mind on a regular basis. But I don't quit. I keep pushing. Sometimes I push myself too hard. I sacrifice too much. And then sometimes I get angry and depressed and lost. With everything I put myself through I don't think this is abnormal.
I do all this while still working somewhat soul-crushing survival jobs at night. Often my schedule is the equivalent of working two full time jobs. And I take classes to try to become a better actor, too. It's rare I get a full night's sleep. Extremely rare.
So when I break down and complain about how frustrated I am... please don't tell me I should be grateful to be auditioning as much as I do. I am grateful. That goes without saying. But being grateful still doesn't make me superhuman.
I already have agents who expect me to make every casting at the drop of a hat, and communicate with them perfectly all the time, and who I know are wondering why I'm not booking and what's not clicking. No pressure, right?
So sometimes I just want someone to complain to without hearing that actor crap of "just be grateful you're getting out" or "you'll book the next one" or worse from family... "have you thought about moving back home?" All those responses just make me feel isolated.
I'm sure this is a common thing for people in my position. Where you feel somewhere between successful and unsuccessful. Like things are working, but just not well enough. It's a tough place to be... somewhere in the middle. I'd love to book something. I'd love to go on fewer but better auditions... all SAG nationals and theatrical... that's the dream. But I'm not there yet, so I keep pounding the pavement putting one foot in front of the other.
I guess I don't know exactly what the point of this post is. Maybe this is just me venting. Anyone else want to vent? I guess I'll open up the floor...

1 comment :

  1. Hey there. I understand you are frustrated and you certainly deserve to publicly vent.... I actually originally found this website after reading your post about promoters and the modeling industry, and what really goes on behind the scenes. Great read.

    Anyways, wanted to let ya know that I really respect the way youre going about your career. There are way too many "instagram models" these days displaying a fake, glamorous, lifestyle when in reality the majority of them have accomplished far less than you have in the entertainment business. Try not to let it frustrate you, keep your head up, and keep plugging away. People get there "big break" at many different points in life, whether it's in acting/modeling, business or whatever type of career they're pursuing. You're smokin' hot and seem like a really nice, fun, genuine girl so I don't doubt your break is coming very soon! Keep up the good work Ellen and I'm looking forward to following your career :).